TWENTY EIGHT POUNDS DOG?

Ok it has been too long since I posted here. I weighed in 28 lbs down from my initial weigh in weight. That is really good. Bitches, I am proud of myself. More than 10% of my weight has been blown out of my bunghole. This is a big accomplishment for me. I feel like i may be breaking the pattern of my family. Moving myself to higher ground from the flood of obesity that awaits me if i do not watch what I eat.

My wife likes me for doing this. It's pretty cool.

Been a while, still losing not gaining.

ANAL BULIMIA. This is an eating disorder that I am considering to keep up my losing streak. You just overuse laxatives and then blow everything you eat out of your asshole. Sounds like it's right up my alley. Pun intended.

Anyway I am down 22 lbs. since my initial weigh-in. This has me feeling good and hopeful. I STILL haven't signed up for a gym or began working out on a regular basis. This is unacceptable. Phil equals weight loss. So keep it up, me. And drink more prune juice.

TWENTY POUNDS!!! Ohhhh, yeahhhhh

That's right. Twenty Mother-effing pounds. I feel good, man. SO good in fact, I am going to keep going and do this again. See you in a month at 226. Twenty MO!!

What am I eating? I'll tell you.

I just ate a wrap. Start with a flour tortilla, smear hummus on it. Add marinated roasted red peppers. Add a whole sliced jalapeño and a whole sliced habanero pepper. (I heard hot peppers are good for metabolism. Whatevs.) Sliced avocado. Diced tomato. "Real" salt. Ground pepper. And vegan ranch dressing.

Stuffed for a day. Good night.

OK this weeks goal

I want to lose at least 4 more lbs this week. I will be jogging 30 minutes a day and doing push ups. Rather than spending money on a gym membership, i was thinking i would just use my body against itself. Eat reasonable portions and go from there.

Oh yeah, I forgot. EAT A DICK, BODYFAT!

WOOHOO!!!

Weighed in today at 250!!!! I am down sixteen lbs from my initial weigh-in weight. I am doing this!

Soon i will look like this!

Up Five... pounds. Durp

Went to Vegas this weekend. Ate at buffet. Gained 5 lbs. Uggh.

Twelve Pounds? What?

Did i weigh in today and see that i was down 12 pounds from my original weigh-in? Yes, I did, bitches. That's RIGHT! Twelve bastard bunghole pounds!! In two weeks, I am over 20% to my goal.

Soon, perhaps I will look like THIS!:

or not. This is kinda gross.

naked weight.

Just realized that my clothing including pants, shirt, belt, shoes and iPod add almost 7 lbs to my naked weight. Weighed myself this morning: 251 lbs! I am really believing in this. I can do it. In no time, I will look like this:

First weekly weigh-in: SUCCESS!!

Hell yes. Five pounds lost. Down to 261. Already 10% of my goal! This makes me happy and motivated to be doing this. I'm comin' for that money, bitches! WATCH OUT!

Third post in twenty minutes? You better believe I'm manic!

My to-do list is as follows:

Re-activate gym membership.

Buy running shoes.

Sports water bottle.

Size 36 pants

size 17 neck white shirt

Victory Gin

This should be done by friday. If not, I'm pork barrel shotgun out of luck and someone should punish me with kicks to the pee-hole.

Oh yeah, I am starting this at 266 lbs.

Big blubber bastard can't even see his dick when it's soft. WTF? All you bitches watch. I'm gonna work on my core, eat vegan, and drink a bung-load of water. You won't recognize me at the end of the year. All skinny, with a jaw line and muscles. Goodbye, old clothes.

No more getting winded ascending the stairs.

No more self-made mozzarella cheese stick arby's sauce sandwiches.

No more nine-serving bags of Combos eaten in one sitting.

No more 44-oz mountain dew to rot my teeth and make me fat and sluggish.

I'ma shit out toxins like I'm gettin' paid. Alkalize.

I'm FAT!!!

I am a fat bastard. Well, you know - 60 some-odd pounds overweight. I look burley more than obese, but dammit, I'm BETTER THAN THIS! This is why my goal is to lose fifty pounds this year. I don't want to follow in my family footsteps. I already broke the pattern of utterly terrible eating by becoming vegetarian eighteen months ago. This has done little more than shift my asshole urges to cheese. So I gorge myself or jalapeño cream cheese taquitos and Combos, while drinking large amounts of energy drinks and fountain sodas. What the hell was I doing? I know better than that!

So 2011 will be the year I, Phillip Eger, will lose at least 50 pounds for the following reasons:

1. I'm tired of being tired

2. I want to have energy for my kids.

3. I could add an extra inch to my dick perhaps.

4. Speaking of dicks, I want to improve my stamina in bed.

5. I want a beard to be an option, not a necessity.

6. People respect a fit man.

7. I will have more clothing options.

8. I want to live until the Singularity.

9. I want a clear mind in order to create abundantly.

Armed with the nine musts, I begin my journey to lose weight through proper diet and exercise.

Go eat a dick, my fat. I'll be eating raw almonds.