I'm FAT!!!

I am a fat bastard. Well, you know - 60 some-odd pounds overweight. I look burley more than obese, but dammit, I'm BETTER THAN THIS! This is why my goal is to lose fifty pounds this year. I don't want to follow in my family footsteps. I already broke the pattern of utterly terrible eating by becoming vegetarian eighteen months ago. This has done little more than shift my asshole urges to cheese. So I gorge myself or jalapeño cream cheese taquitos and Combos, while drinking large amounts of energy drinks and fountain sodas. What the hell was I doing? I know better than that!

So 2011 will be the year I, Phillip Eger, will lose at least 50 pounds for the following reasons:

1. I'm tired of being tired

2. I want to have energy for my kids.

3. I could add an extra inch to my dick perhaps.

4. Speaking of dicks, I want to improve my stamina in bed.

5. I want a beard to be an option, not a necessity.

6. People respect a fit man.

7. I will have more clothing options.

8. I want to live until the Singularity.

9. I want a clear mind in order to create abundantly.

Armed with the nine musts, I begin my journey to lose weight through proper diet and exercise.

Go eat a dick, my fat. I'll be eating raw almonds.